I hope

Carly's Fiorina's statement (at the Leadership Summit) "There is a gift in everything.... We just need to see it" touched something in me.

I'd just met with my pastor's wife, Edith, for coffee the week before, and she'd commented (as she often does) about how much more positive I am than I used to be. (Sometimes I wish she didn't have such a good memory.) While I know I made a conscious choice in my 30th year to become the "New Ange" - confident, hopeful, assertive - looking back on the years Edith was referring to, I still don't see the "gift."

I told her, "What I did poorly in those 'negative' years, no one else could have done well. And if I were back in that situation right now: without any family income or sense of career direction; without a diagnosis, medication, or respite; with no social workers, psychologists, teachers, or support groups; without our health or connections, I would not be sounding as positive as I am right now!"

So is it about attitude, or is it circumstance? I empathize with those who don't have work because it's really hard to get out of that hole. Unemployment saps your confidence, and lack of funds means all those mental health-restoring things like dinner dates, therapy sessions, babysitters, maid service, a sense of security, and chocolate cheesecake are out of reach.

And I empathize for those without supports because no one is meant to do it alone. Where does attitude come in? I credit my positivity experiment with giving me the guts to find the support I needed.
To hope that it existed. To believe that I deserved it. 

The Summit reminded me of my God lists. I haven't written one in a long time.  (Click here to see my "God list" when we were unemployed.)

A God list is a wish list for God. Edith got me started on them by telling me to write one about the house I wanted someday, back when we were students with a baby and no income living in a little third-story walk-up. A God list is like praying, but instead of asking for the same things over and over, I write them down and put the list away for 6 months or a year. If I do start obsessing over something I want, I remind myself I've left it with God.

Here's the God list I started writing at the Summit:

For my house: a kitchen reno started in one year (This is by far my biggest ask, feels impossible right now)
For my writing: attending the Banff Wired Writing School or Sage Hill Poetry Colloquium in the next year, more opportunities to workshop and perform my work 
For G: growing empathy, more interest in the Bible, and better table manners
For K: the ability to express how he's feeling and what he needs in words
For T: a new website for his photography business Anthony Mark Photography, more clients, another wedding
For marriage: finding an overnight respite worker


In the past, I've been surprised when I pulled my list out a year later to discover how many of the things I have. I think it's a combination of me trusting God, God desiring to give me good things, and me being intentional about doing whatever I can to reach my goals, keeping my eyes wide open for opportunities.

It may sound presumptuous to ask God for something like a kitchen, but I'm going with 1 Peter 5:7 "Casting all your cares on him for he cares for you." It doesn't say "passive-aggressively hint at your cares," or "give him a peek at your cares," it says "cast": toss, throw, dump, chuck, drop the load of them. 

I hope I don't ever have to go back to being without an income and all the support services we've come to rely on. If I do, it would be nice to see the gift. I know I'd still have my (longer) God lists. And I hope I'd still have the resolve that got me where I am now.