Friday, August 29, 2008

'Tis grace has brought me safe thus far

Yesterday G. got lost in Zellers. Or, more accurately, I lost her; she was enjoying a rare moment of retail independence in the clothing department. My request for assistance precipitated a "code yellow" and the "perimeter was sealed" while my wandering shopper was hunted down by a red-vested army of shelf stockers, customer service reps, cooks, managers and clerks.

I have to admit I'm feeling a little lost these days.

My youngest is starting grade 1 in a few days. For the past 3 years I've been working hard as a writer to build a reputation and connections. I've sacrificed some time with K. and G. while they were preschoolers to ensure I'd be able to support them once they were older. The idea was that once my kids were both in school full time I would be poised to jump even deeper into the opportunities I had fostered.

Instead I'm letting go of my daughter and my job.

Our buzzword at the office is teamwork: "This organization is the sum of its parts." I guess this part didn't add up to the right sum anymore, so they saw a need to subtract the part-time writer and add in a full-time something-else.

Since I got the news I've been working from home or away on holidays. This week I tried going into the office. I cried for 3 straight hours at my desk. I had to relocate and finish my shift at my "other office" (Starbucks).

I'm wandering lost and so far no knights in shining Zeller's uniforms have come to my rescue.

Get over it, right? It's "just a job." If anyone should know jobs don't last forever it's me. (My husband and I seem to be drawn towards companies secretly on the verge of restructuring!)

But it's not just a job. Every staff meeting we're told, "You've been called here by God. Together we have the opportunity to transform the world." I have my own set of mini-miracles of how God led me here. It's hard to believe I was only supposed to be part of world-transformation for such a short time. I sure don't feel God leading me away. Being let-go is hard. Letting go is harder.

My kids are at a church day camp this week. (It's their fifth VBS this summer. K.'s so full of Bible stories he's started preaching to his bean plant. "It won't live long, you know mom, so it needs to hear the good news before it's too late.") The singing is always the best part of VBS and this week they learned a jazzed up version of "Amazing Grace."

"I once was lost but now I'm found."

This morning I realized it's not: "I once was lost but now I've found my way." I've lost the perfect job, I've lost my "babies," but God's not expecting me to find anything.

He's found me. And he's never letting me go.