My El Kabong moment

Scene 1: I'm eating a meal at a friend's house and my child stands up to run around the table and grab the pickles. Before I can open my mouth, the friend has sternly told my child to sit down.

Scene 2: We're passing through a shop with relatives. My child reaches for something from the shelf. As I lean forward to get her attention, relatives A and B have grabbed her arm, jerked her away and given her a mini lecture.

I'm baffled by the way friends and family parent my kids right in front of me. Is it just me, or do they do this to you too?

If it is just me, I suspect it's because for my first 10 years of parenthood, everybody (including myself) suspected my children's behaviour was my fault. Everyone else assumed they weren't disciplined consistently; I, who knew they were, thought I just lacked the Magic Mommy gene. K was 7 before he was diagnosed with Aspergers, but we had another 3 years of "They're so focused on K, they must be neglecting G" before the true cause of her difficulty behaviour was diagnosed.

After about 7 years of being forced to take one parenting class after another, being pressured into consistently and more consistently doing things (locking kids in their rooms, pinning them to the floor, etc.) that I knew weren't helpful, just so therapists would put through the next referral, I'm done parenting however others tell me. I know what works with my kids and what will lead to escalation, confusion, or futility.

I know what I'm doing. And I know I know. The teachers and psychologists I work with know I know. Maybe some family and friends are a little slower on the uptake, and I've think I've just discovered why: I'm too thoughtful.

When most people see an unexpected behaviour, they jump right in. I take a moment to calm myself (so my voice and touch are gentle), assess the situation, and mentally flip though all the techniques I've used in the past. This only takes 5 seconds, but sometimes, that's 3 seconds too slow for everyone else.

Would it be better if we were all both thoughtful and lightening fast? Sure. But given the choice (with the exception of life-and-death situations), I'd rather take the 3 seconds I need to respond gently and effectively. Unfortunately, when there are others in the room who care about my kids, I don't always get that chance.

So now that I've realized this, the next step is telling the Quick Draw McGraws: Hang on, honey. I'm the parent. I've got this under control.  

But give me a few seconds to calm myself first. I want to do this gently.

I'll do the parentin' around here, Bubba Louie, and don' you ferget it!