No-I'm-not-on-crack parenting advice Part 1: What that kid needs is a good massage and more television

This is the parenting advice you won't hear from your mother, the granny in the checkout line, or the guy behind you at church.


Instinct says, "When they're bad, make them miserable so they'll think twice next time." At the first sign of noncompliance or disrespect, we take away TV, send him to his room, and pile on the chores. How's that been working for you?

If you've got a kid with the skills to self-regulate: to control impulses, manage disappointment, and express frustration in words, a little pain can lead to gain. But if you've got children anywhere on the spectrum, chances are, they couldn't meet your expectations in the first place, and now you've just made it worse by overloading them when they're down and taking away all the things that could calm them. Typical children need the consequences and rewards to motivate them; for a child missing skills, all the consistent consequences in the world will only make it worse. Way worse.


By all means, when Jakie or Judy starts throwing knives or refusing to do her homework, give 'em a time out. But not the "I hold the door shut while you scream and you can't come out till you're nice" kind, though (I wish I'd never met the psychologist who made us do that for weeks.) This is not the time to make them submit to your all-powerfulness; this is a time to model relaxation. You can't teach flexibility by being inflexible. "Your actions are telling me you need some time to calm down; would you like an exercise ball rolled on your back or should I read you some Hobbit?" might sound like rewarding the bad behaviour, but it's not about rewards or behaviour - it's about teaching your child the skills to cope.

On a recent playdate-gone-bad, my daughter was excited to see her old classmate, but almost immediately announced "It was more fun before you came" and proceeded to play computer games without her. The school psychologist reminded me that my daughter's rudeness was the only way she knew how to cope with the unmet expectations: her friend had matured and was more into gossiping about movie stars than pretending to be puppies. My husband calmed her down and helped them choose a movie they both liked. A nine-year-old on the spectrum is not ready to manage disappointment gracefully. If we'd focused on her behaviour, we'd have missed the point.

When your spouse or client drives you crazy, you take a walk or grab a coffee. You're not rewarding yourself for wanting to throw them out the window; you're doing what you need to do so you don't want to do it anymore. When life drives your kid crazy (and a lot of things will), he needs you to teach her the same thing. 

As you turn the TV on for your screaming toddler, or hand your grounded teen a phone to call a friend, or offer your daughter a foot rub after she called you "idiot," don't expect your mother to stand up and applaud. But don't for a minute think you're being a pushover parent.

You're being an effective one.