don't go down with the ship

It happens in bleachers, at spelling bees, and in pageant dressing rooms: parental rivalry. It's passive, polite and usually ugly. But what you may not know is that when parents of autistic children meet, the compulsion for comparison bubbles in our bellies too; except instead of listing test scores and soccor goals, we climb aboard the sinking one-DOWN-man-ship.

If someone were to write the script it might look like this:

Mom 1: My son needs his meds to cope with his anxiety attacks, but I'm really struggling with giving them to him because they make him suicidal. Last night he said he wanted to kill himself and me.
Mom 2: Just be happy your son can speak. Every time I tuck my daughter in I wish she could say 'I love you' but she's nonverbal. All I've ever heard her say is "Ahhhh."
Dad 1: Well, at least your daughter sleeps. Mine is awake from 3:00 - 6:00 singing showtunes.
Mom 2: Just be thankful she didn't nearly drown on the same day your EA and respite workers quit and your husband left you for the cable weathergirl with no income and a $4000 occupational therapy bill...

CUT!!!!

I just met another mother of an autistic child and as she was sharing her struggles I was thinking, "Wow, I wish we'd been diagnosed that early so we could have gotten all those therapies and supports she had."

And the Divine Director whispered, "psst, Ange...you've got the wrong script! Let me write you a new one."

Why can't we just admit that autism in all its forms is tough? Why can't we all agree that we wish all our children could speak, sleep, smile, live free of fear and medication, and play piano, tag, trivial pursuit, baseball, rock-paper-sissors or whatever, just like other kids?

Where is the empathy? We're shooting ourselves in the foot. What good is it if the only people who understand what you're going through are insanely jealous of your child's every accomplishment? Instead of locking arms, we're bolting the door on joy, gratitude and compassion.

Autism is a lonely, isolating condition. For the parents it doesn't have to be.